I am who I am: Me V L.O.V.E
So, what am I going to talk today? I have no idea in fact.
How about love? LOVE. The very word which we spell as L.O.V.E.
Hm…I dont know but I do have some discussion of this thing (if we could ever categorized it as thing), this so called emotion of L.O.V.E. I don’t really like to talk about this but let us just say that I was once FRUSTRATED with this word – L.O.V.E.
First, I must admit that I write this when I am overwhelmed with my emotion. I must say that I am not with my clear mind to talk about this. I simply got myself strangled almost to death by this word- L.O.V.E.
You see, if I ask you one question which sounds – How do two persons become one?- do you have the answer?
It is all start from L.O.V.E. See? Very simple and very natural. It’s normal actually. Maybe I am the only person who is abnormal. Like I said, I was frustrated with this word. I just found out and feel myself that this nice word in fact can kill! WOW! I never thought about this until I got myself experienced of it. Well, almost at the verge of killing myself. In short, this L.O.V.E word can costs a life of a person.
I must say, maybe this is the dark side of this word. Maybe. Who knows?
In the first place, I thought love is the source of every nice and good thing. You want some motivation? You want some inspiration? You want some imagination? You want some happiness? You want some joy? You want some tranquility? You want some fun? You want some life? You want to renew and build up a new life? Even peace derives from the word L.O.V.E.
See? How nice and how many in fact this word can and capable to contribute in our life on earth. I can say that it can help us to build a better world for the next generation that is your children, my children and the rest. Like the Black Eyed Peas’ song Where is the Love?
Where is the love? Do you know where does love come from? How is it looks like? How does it feel? Or is it untouchable? Is it unseen? Is love is an illusion? Is love is something which is tangible? Have you ever seen this L.O.V.E before? Have you feel it or has it touch you instead? Has it ever exist in your life? Where is the love?
I am avoiding myself from associating this word with God. God is someone I feared the most. However, sometimes or most of the times, sins and what the world can offer to me (including you) always clouded me from my fear of Him. I thought and think and, maybe, will always think that I have time to redeem and to repent every each of my sins. But then I doubt about this. My life span on earth can be count from 1 to 100. How easy that is, right?. Yet it is hard to pass the number 50, 60 and 70 you know. But I have deviated from what I am trying to discuss. Anyway, I must say, I don’t want to mix this discussion with the aspect of divinity and religion.
So back to the word L.O.V.E. Can it really kill us? Is it capable to take away the life of one person?
Well, generally speaking, yes. It does not only take one person’s life but everything. It can even cause other person to be in a gloomy situation. Have you ever seen the white clouds change into dark clouds? Have you? Basically I can say, when L.O.V.E becomes death itself, try to see around you. Surely you will feel the real atmosphere of the changing ‘weather’. In fact, in some circumstances, they come together. The emotion and the weather itself. How coincidence? I don’t know. Do you know?
But let say L.O.V.E is merely an abstract. Let say it is only a word which bears meaning or meanings. How dangerous this word can be? It has none of our body parts which can instruct it to kill or to harm us, right? So how can I possibly say that this word L.O.V.E can kill? Am I biased to it? Or simply I hate it? No. I simply got myself frustrated with it, somehow. I don’t know how it really started actually. I think I have put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then, ala-cada-bra…I was put into spell. Spell that have made me like this; my mind was tortured and my heart was so pain yet cold like I could not really feel it. Like something want to come out from my heart making my chest pain. The pain? How pain was it? I cannot describe it by words. By numbers? Ridiculous. Like the word L.O.V.E itself, the effect of it is very abstract. Like everybody has experience by themselves, only the one who was struck by it understand how pain it is.
But let me try to describe this abstract pain causes by this abstract word of L.O.V.E. Have you ever grasp ice cubes before with your bare hand? Hold them for a while and feel the cold getting inside your skin and bones. After a few minutes, throw away those ice cubes and feel the cold that still on and in your hand. This is usually the starting point of the pain. Just imagine that kind of cold happens to your heart. Is it not pain?
Yet, the pain is not simply like that. It combines with this kind of what we all know as broken heart. For this, take a glass and not a cup. The best on is the simple glass. Hold it simply in a normal way like you hold your drink in that glass. Make sure it is empty. This is important because I want you and everybody to see how the glass breaks into pieces. While you hold, lift it up above your head.
So when you have lift it up above your head, simply release it without throwing it down into the floor. Just release and see it fall. You will seethe glass seems like taking second by second to fall down into the floor. If you focus on the glass when it first released from your hand above your head. It will look like taking an hour for that glass to fall down into the floor and breaks into pieces.
But what I really want you to see is the end. When the glass reaches the floor, it will break into pieces. No doubt about this fact. Yet it is much depends on the type of glass you used. It is better if you select the very fragile glass to see its effect because our emotion from heart is, for me, almost the same. Our emotion is fragile actually. Fragile is different with sensitivity of emotion. So being fragile is like the glass. When something hard which hurt it, then it will probably breaks into pieces like the glass when it reaches and meets the hard floor, except there is no sound. But I think when a person's heart is broken, shatterring into pieces like the glass, it too does make sound - the person cries.
So, the moment the glass breaks into pieces, try to put the cold of the ice cubes i.e. pouring some cold ice cubes on the floor, mixing them with the pieces of the broken glass. Then imagine if you walk with your bare feet onto the broken pieces of the glass with the ice cubes there. Do you think you will feel no pain at all? Do you think that your feet will not be cut or pierced with the broken glass? And do you think you may not feel the cold and pain with your bare feet at the same time? I don’t think so. Combines all the feeling of pains into one. That’s how it feels when the abstract word of L.O.V.E hurt our abstract emotion.
When this happen, if a person is a kind of easy to get in despair, then this is the stage where I think L.O.V.E can take one person life or sometimes his or her sanity. However, it is very much depends on one person. If he or she is strong hearted and determined mind, I don’t think that L.O.V.E can easily penetrated him or her and take away his or her life.
But the problem is, not all of us are strong with our emotion and mind. And I don’t think myself is one of those strong in emotion and mind. Why? Well, I realized that I really give hope to this L.O.V.E and give respect to it. In fact I use it and feel and always with it in my life. How am I going to be strong? Even though it supposed to make me strong, it can also make me weak. That is why I also think L.O.V.E is an illusion of us.
An analogy again, L.O.V.E can be just like a knife. If you use properly the knife, it would not hurt you. But if you abuse it or misuse it, the result can be disastrous. Like I said, it can kill you. Likewise with L.O.V.E. It does kill.
And again, I thought L.O.V.E was my friend. I thought L.O.V.E was my shield to protect from anything. Hah~! How fool was I. I even put my whole trust on L.O.V.E. Hah~! Again, how fool a man I was. When I did that, do you know what it did to me? Like a human friend, it stabbed me from behind. A BACK-STABBER~!
Oh~! How I really hate a BACKSTABBER~!!! You don’t? This what L.O.V.E have done to me you know. While I was its friend, somehow and without warning, it betrayed me and stabbed from behind. Damn~! Forgive me for my rude word but it was really DAMN~!!!
Like I was robbed by thousands of thieves where they left nothing but nakedly alive. Barely alive. See? That is why I was frustrated with L.O.V.E. It almost took my life and my sanity. Like I said, I was barely and nakedly left alive you know. I was dying, without hope, without any surety to stay alive, without anyone and anything to help me. Luckily somehow and somewhere, He comes to the rescue. And this is the stage where I turned myself to Him.
And this is where the beginning of His ‘intervention’ in my life and my discussion. For after all these years of doing sins everyday and every part of my life, He still gives His affection to me. I was clothed with sins. A lot of sins. I ‘eat’ sins everyday and in every aspect of my life. Just imagine that I have been living for 23 years and at the age of 5 probably, I already learnt my first sin- telling lies to my parents. The first sin which I am well aware until now. And after that I learnt many other sins. No need for me to mention here because I know you know them. How do you know, I don’t want to know. You ask yourself. and consider yourself. You know what I mean.
Just imagine, all these years I have been living and everyday I would not be free from any sins. Surely I would commit 3 to 5 types of sins. Then try to times 365 days with 23 years. Holidays of course are not excluded. It will be very funny yet stupid if someone try to exclude holidays. Do you think that a person may not commit sins during holidays? Hah~! How silly that will be. Even during mass every Sunday, which should be the day for us to remember God, a person or any person or you and I of course will commit sins. See? How many sins you and I, and particularly me, have committed sins?
You can say more than "beribu-ribu lemon", you know. Yet, when L.O.V.E almost took my life, He somehow helps me to regain my consciousness and my determination to live, to go on with my life. I was betrayed by L.O.V.E. It was REALLY PAIN~!!! In fact it could not be describe like what I have tried to describe above. It was more than that actually. I was thinking nothing and I was feeling nothing but only one thing-DEATH. I was thinking of committing suicide. I was about to do one the ‘greatest’ sin of all sins. Hah~! I was such a fool or idiot. I was totally over swayed with this L.O.V.E. Now, I know it can kill even though I heard and read about it before. It was only when I experienced it myself that I was frustrated. Luckily, somehow like I have told you before, I was barely alive when He saved me. How can I ever thank Him? How can I ever describe how peaceful and tranquil my mind and emotion when He came and rescued me from the death itself? I could not describe it by mere words let alone to re-act it.
How I praised for Him to have me saved from the wrath of L.O.V.E and from the death itself. I was crying. I am a man, a young man. It is my habit to cry every emotional moments. This is so since I was a child. What to ashamed? What to ashamed really to cry even though when a man does so he will probably said to have lost his ego or his proud? I got to realize that that is not important. Compare when you commit sins. Which one should you ashamed of, huh? Don’t tell me. Keep the answer with you for you know it.
So like I said, I was crying and crying and crying all over the day. (Hey, come on. I am one of those men who do cries when they could no longer hold it). I thought I saw something new in my life. Something that I thought I will never have the chance to see and feel. Hah~! He gives me a chance. Now I think I can say, like these: Would God gives you a snake if you asked for a fish? Knock and the door will be opened to you. Search and will find it. Hah~! I never thought of the significant of these biblical words before you know. Really, God is miracle. You and I cannot really expect everything in our life. We plan, God disposes. Let the will of God be done instead of our will.
His version of LOVE is much different from the version of L.O.V.E which I got to know. The love of man (I am referring to both the male and female of course) is tainted with lies, deceptions, lust, temptation, jealousy and all kind of sins you can name. No wonder L.O.V.E can KILL~!!!
How harsh my words to L.O.V.E, right? But how danger L.O.V.E can do to you and me? In fact it almost took my life and how many times I have mentioned this? I may be condemning L.O.V.E. Yet it condemned me first; it stabbed me from behind. After all the ‘friendship’ and trust I have put on L.O.V.E, it simply paid me back by trying to take my life? A backstabber and a thief~!
So, my advice is take care of yourself. Love made by man can be disastrous and danger indeed. Don’t get yourself trapped with the sweet words from the mouth of a man or a woman. This is a kind of lust and temptation let alone seduction. Love is a pleasure for a moment. Although it supposes to be eternal so long as human exist on earth, but love has its own dark side and really ugly side.
An example before I leave you to give yourself a chance to think…if a man or woman but most of the time I will take the instance of a man.
You see, if a man really love, care and intends to give his commitment with you (a woman of course), would he ask you to do something stupid, heinous before you two religiously and legally married? Let say in the matter sex.
Further, if that man really love, care, concern and has commitment towards you, he will not ever ask or even force you to do something like sex before you two both religiously and legally married.
And again, consider this one, most couple believe on this quotation “For love we will do anything for our love.” The way I see this, this romantic and sweet quotation is misleading for the teenagers.
Let me explain it further, if this words are to be misconstrued, especially by the woman, it will bring into her mind that if she really love the man, she should give him everything including her dignity as well her virginity.
I realize that this is the stage where most of the men will take advantage over their women. If their relationship goes well until the end, and the man takes the responsibility, then it is fine. There is no big problem, at least.
Yet, if it happens otherwise, most of the suffering and misery will go to the woman. Not only she may have lost her dignity and virginity, but her future is also affected. She is facing a dark future actually. She will be and most probably in trauma. Haunted with the sin she and her former man have done, she will also feel guilty, betrayed, broken hearted, and hopeless for if she really loves the man who in the end somehow betrayed her. Now here in fact you can see how this L.O.V.E can take this pitiful woman.
If nobody helps her and if she lost her hope and traumatize for worst, two things may happen in one time- losing her sanity where she will be insane and commit suicide in the end. Either these two may happen early and either these two may happen both in one time or either one. See the points? Got the message?
Again, I have proved to you that L.O.V.E can cost a person’s life. When this happen, everything the person has in his or her life gone-like I said before, like being robbed by thousands of thieves, and probably left you nakedly and barely alive. But I did not mean to say that there would be no dead. Actually most of the time you will probably dead.
And besides that, other people’s life also affected. Don’t ever think only about yourself even though maybe you assumed that this matter of to live and die is only between you and God or may only for you alone to consider. Don’t be selfish and don’t be too conceit. If you are living alone, having nothing and no one to lose, then it is fine. No problem at all. You die, who cares.
Unfortunately, that is the case in all circumstances. You might your own children. You may still have your parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends and even those who know you and care for you without you realizing them. When you die, is not that these people will be affected?
Maybe unless they really HATE you. But who will ever hate the person they know since child? L.O.V.E will be there. L.O.V.E during that time is a friend, just like I have told you. But when YOU and L.O.V.E becomes friend, like I have told before about my experience, there it will start the ‘game’; the game that you will never expect L.O.V.E will betray you from behind without warning. If you are strong and lucky, you may still alive. If you are not, then you are facing insanity and death-secret friends or compliances of L.O.V.E in doing all the ‘conspiracy’ to take your life. So if you fall into their hand, you are dead, and do you think nobody life will be affected? Do you really think that nobody will mourn for your death? Think again. Don’t simply fall into the illusion of L.O.V.E and its conspiracy to bring you to its two compliances or secret friends which are insanity and death. These two are the bottom lines of your life and stupidity you know.
In regard with insanity, if you fall to either of these two or both, you are no longer stupid in fact but idiot. The most stupid person among the stupid people is an idiot person. Idiot almost close to becomes insane. See?
Hah~! I can say, if you tend to see things or matters in a much complicated ways without considering the basics, in the end, you will fall crumbling and helplessly. But if you consider the basics and understand them, probably you will not fall that bad.
Take my analogy of two houses. Let say A built his house on the foundation of sand. Well, his house is probably bungalow. Compare with B who built his house in very humble way and maybe moderate house on the foundation of a solid rock. When floods come, which and whose house will fall and destroyed badly first? Tell me. This one I want to know your answer. Why? Because if you don’t understand my analogy and you don’t know the answer, then you really don’t know and it is hard for you to understand let alone to see the basic things which I try to tell you and let you see.
But I am not blaming you alone because I myself have experienced this before. I would not know about it if not because of experience you know. And I am not blaming you for this because this is our natural habit. It is our tendency, our natural behaviour to do bad things or to be so ignorance or to be self-proclaimed of highly educated yet we dont even know the basics.
I don’t understand why we are like this. To blame God for setting our life like this is totally ridiculous. He did not set our life. Well, He may be the one who disposes. While on earth, beside His helps in a miracle and mysterious ways, I can say it us who decide our life.
You want to become a good person or a bad person is up to you. You want to lead a good life in the end or a bad life in the end is much entirely up to you. But let me tell this-to be a person like God wants us to be is not an easy task. The same thing goes of leading and having a good life in the end. This too is not easy. Nevertheless, it is very easy to do otherwise that is to be a bad person and do all those evil things and commit sins and probably lead a very terrible life. Do you get me?
When I try to tell this to other people, they said I am crazy and too much in thinking for things that we shouldn't been thinking. Really? Are these things we should not think properly? So if that is the case, are you saying that God does not exist? Are you saying that God will do everything for you and I? God is our servant or maid? Are you saying that God already created the story line of your life and my life? He may have but it does not He want us to be just like a robot.
For me, yes, God must have set up our life. He already planned something for you and me in our respective life. But what He had planned may be with what you and I will do in fact while on earth. He may already see it and that is what I mean His plan. But do bear this in mind, some people say (including me) “we plan our life, God disposes.” So, considering this, there is a conflict when we say it is God who plan our life with it is us who plan our own life. How I see it is like this- God may have plan it and so do we. Yet His plan may prevail over us and this is where I consider God’s will prevail. In other words, “we plan, God disposes.”
However, I must stress here that I have deviated from my main discussion. Besides I must also make it clear that how God plans human life is one big issue which I myself do not have a clear understanding of it. This should be argued more but not here and not today. I refrain myself to go further on this one because I have deviate from the main discussion ‘terribly’.
Back to the main discussion, I see our life on earth is akin to a test. Like a normal test, either you want to success or to fail is entirely up to you and your effort to study. So if you work hard, most of the time you will pass successfully and proceed on to further your study. In short, you may have your rewards. However, if you simply half hearted or absolutely neglects with your study or you are so damn lazy, then failure is waiting for you.
The same goes with our life on earth. A test whether you can be a person and have the life that God wants you to be and have, is all up to you and your efforts to be and to have all that done. So if you managed to have it done, in the afterlife, then you may enter His Kingdom-Heaven. Yet, if you failed, you know where are you heading, right? Or you simply dont know about this?
I must then remind you again that to be a good person, to do good deeds and to eventually lead a good life are not easy. If vice-versa, yes. It is so damn easy. Just ignore God and His teachings and there you go, you have your first class degree to enter Hell. I think for having first class, you need not to pay anything to the devils on your way down there.
See? This is how I see human life, our life, my life on earth. A temporarily and mortal life of human. I am not saying that I disregard with what God has given to us. It is not that I don’t appreciate life. It is not that I hate to be a human. It is just that I got so frustrated with L.O.V.E. Like I have said earlier. What comes around will come around. What goes up will go down. How I have been frustrated with L.O.V.E. I simply got it just like that.
I don’t want to trust L.O.V.E again except for one-His love towards me and the rest of us. Maybe…I said maybe… because I am aware that my mind, my reasoning, my conscience is clouded with my emotion. My emotion took the very best of me and although I am aware of writing this down, in fact I am 80% controlled and guided with my emotion.
I humbly yet emotionally end this discussion.
p/s: This article of mine is merely for sharing and discussion. I hold no prejudice/grunge/insults/offensive remarks to anybody/beliefs/race/religion in particular.
